The Anti-Gun Politician’s Guide to Guns

Hello, Senator or Congressman! We’d like to start off by thanking you for your valiant efforts to disarm the American people. If only Americans understood how much safer we would all become once we have disarmed everyone except for criminals, hundreds of thousands of police officers, and nearly 1.2 million members of the U.S. Armed Forces, then maybe you wouldn’t have to work so hard. Sadly Americans are a thick-headed bunch who don’t like to voluntarily forfeit their God-given rights. That’s why we need committed public servants like you!

But here’s the problem: Even though you are totally qualified to write, promote and vote for legislation banning guns, you don’t actually know anything about them. Your own private bodyguards carry guns, of course, because they need them to protect you, but you don’t even know your bodyguards’ names much less which kinds of guns they carry. That’s why we put together this handy primer. Read it and you’ll learn everything you need to know about guns!

Lesson 1: What Kinds of Guns Are There?

There are two types of guns: AR-15s and Glocks. Telling them apart is easy because AR-15s are much longer. “AR” stands for assault rifle; “15” is the average number of hate crimes gun owners commit on a daily basis. 

Smaller Glocks were originally developed so terrorists could sneak guns through airport security checkpoints. Today they are exclusively used by criminals, hence the immediate need for illegalizing them. You may hear other words used to refer to small guns, but make no mistake: They are all Glocks.

Lesson 2: What Are Magazines?

Every gun has a “magazine,” which typically holds about 30,000 rounds of ammunition. Magazines are also occasionally referred to as “clips,” but they are the same exact thing. It’s thanks to magazines that AR-15s and Glocks are able to fire two million rounds of ammunition per second.

Lesson 3: What Is Ammunition?

Ammunition is like the gas you put in your Rolls Royce – without it, a gun doesn’t work. One round of ammunition is capable of firing a bullet 68 times faster than the speed of light. On impact, that bullet creates an explosion large enough to level an entire city block!

Lesson 4: Do People Need AR-15s for Hunting?

AR-15s are not useful for hunting, because a single bullet is powerful enough to evaporate an entire deer on contact. Fortunately, no one will need to hunt once the insect farming industry has received the $8 trillion in government funding it needs to become sustainable. (On a side note, make sure your spouse purchases stocks in insect farming corporations at least one week before the funding is announced to the public.)

Lesson 5: Why Do Americans Love Guns So Much?

This is a common misconception. The vast majority of Americans actually hate guns. It is only the NRA, which operates without any support from the American people, which supports gun ownership. Russian trolls (the same ones which worked for He Who Shall Not Be Named during the 2016 election) also help create the illusion of American support for gun ownership, which is part of the reason why the NSA currently reads everyone’s email.

Lesson 6: Are Guns Actually an Effective Countermeasure Against Government Tyranny?

No! If the U.S. government ever does become tyrannical (or, more accurately, become more tyrannical), it would simply use drones and tanks and nuclear bombs to force its citizens to go to work and pay taxes. Every American would live in mortal terror that an AGM-114 Hellfire missile would knock on their door in the middle of the night and quietly take them to prison for sedition.

Lesson 7: Do Gun Bans Actually Reduce Gun Violence?

Of course, they do! How can people commit gun violence in places where guns aren’t allowed? That would require breaking the law, which is illegal. Senator or Congressman, please slap yourself on the forehead for asking such a stupid question.

Lesson 8: Are My Guns Going to Be Illegalized?

Don’t worry, Senator or Congressman. The guns your personal bodyguards currently carry will always be legal. This is because those guns can quickly neutralize an immediate threat to your personal safety, and you are vitally important to the welfare of this great country. 

Lesson 9: How Do I Know If Someone Owns Guns?

It’s easy to tell if someone is a lunatic gun owner. If you encounter anyone who meets one or more of the following criteria, tell the FBI to falsify information that will lead to their arrest at once!

  • Brings up the Bill of Rights during political arguments
  • Has a blue-collar job
  • Lives in the South or Midwest
  • Doesn’t live in a city
  • Doesn’t drive an electric car
  • Wears 2nd Amendment Shirts
  • Reads or listens to fake news (i.e. news published by organizations that don’t collaborate with the U.S. government)
  • Looks poor

Congratulations, Senator or Congressman. You are now a gun expert! We wish you the best of luck during your career unless you’re caught in a scandal in which case we never supported you in the first place.